Whole Foods
I went to a seminar this week about “green building”. It was cosponsored by some natural/whole foods vegetarian restaurant. They had some whole grain muffins and organically grown fruit smoothies and coffee in the morning. Theses things were flavorless and reminded me of food I would send back.
For lunch the offered sandwiches and salads and cookies with fancy-dan drinks and sodas. And this is where things went all manner of wrong. First, as Mrs. Bebout says, “Sandwiches are for children.” Making matters worse, the three choices, veggie wrap, tofu-turkey, or mock tuna, failed to resemble any sandwich, and I have had my share, that anyone could possibly recognize as a sandwich. The veggie wraps went fast as they were not trying to be anything but veggies. The tofu-turkey was next on the lease repulsive list. It looked like layers of butter between tow rough cut cedar shakes. The mock tuna, well… honestly mock tuna? It was beans and mustard with mayo all glopped together with some sprouts on top.
The “restaurateur” introduced lunch by explaining that although he offered foods nobody really eats we should give it a try. By the way, I have found that is usually does not pay off to trust business owners who wear tie-dyed shirts.
As is said, the veggie wraps went quickly. They were gone within the first 2 minutes of lunch leaving platters full of tofu-turkey and mock tuna. I tried the tofu-turkey. It tasted like, well, like tofu disguised as smoked turkey covered in nondairy butter. (not to be confused with margarine) The dinner salad with organic dressing was alright. How can you screw up lettuce, tomato & carrot? The pasta salad reminded me of lawn clippings with the pound or so of all natural dill shaved all over the place. The Moroccan Rice with pine nuts and raisins was OK. The cookies had no sugar. I choose peanut butter. It was like the all natural kind from the grocery store, but without the peanut flavor.
Because I feeling adventurous; and because my final impression of the food was not yet sealed, I decided to try the mock tuna. It was like beans with mustard and mayo and not at all like tuna. Calling it mock tuna was a disservice to mock tuna everywhere. By the way the mayo was made without eggs. Mayo, as we know is made, in polite society from oil eggs and vinegar. What was used in place of eggs is a mystery to me.
Soon after lunch I noted odd occurrences in the seminar. In the space of 45 minutes, nearly every participant left the conference room one or two at a time. They all scurried with the tell tale pinch and look of shame that could only be on thing. Diarrhea.
I thought how lucky for me that I did not have to scuttle off to the men’s room with a case of the poods. I thought this for nearly 1 and ½ hours after lunch. Then I noted gurgling in my lowers. I felt flushed and sweaty. Then I was no longer the master of my own bowels. They had fallen victim to the mock tuna. It was a sad day in deed.
For lunch the offered sandwiches and salads and cookies with fancy-dan drinks and sodas. And this is where things went all manner of wrong. First, as Mrs. Bebout says, “Sandwiches are for children.” Making matters worse, the three choices, veggie wrap, tofu-turkey, or mock tuna, failed to resemble any sandwich, and I have had my share, that anyone could possibly recognize as a sandwich. The veggie wraps went fast as they were not trying to be anything but veggies. The tofu-turkey was next on the lease repulsive list. It looked like layers of butter between tow rough cut cedar shakes. The mock tuna, well… honestly mock tuna? It was beans and mustard with mayo all glopped together with some sprouts on top.
The “restaurateur” introduced lunch by explaining that although he offered foods nobody really eats we should give it a try. By the way, I have found that is usually does not pay off to trust business owners who wear tie-dyed shirts.
As is said, the veggie wraps went quickly. They were gone within the first 2 minutes of lunch leaving platters full of tofu-turkey and mock tuna. I tried the tofu-turkey. It tasted like, well, like tofu disguised as smoked turkey covered in nondairy butter. (not to be confused with margarine) The dinner salad with organic dressing was alright. How can you screw up lettuce, tomato & carrot? The pasta salad reminded me of lawn clippings with the pound or so of all natural dill shaved all over the place. The Moroccan Rice with pine nuts and raisins was OK. The cookies had no sugar. I choose peanut butter. It was like the all natural kind from the grocery store, but without the peanut flavor.
Because I feeling adventurous; and because my final impression of the food was not yet sealed, I decided to try the mock tuna. It was like beans with mustard and mayo and not at all like tuna. Calling it mock tuna was a disservice to mock tuna everywhere. By the way the mayo was made without eggs. Mayo, as we know is made, in polite society from oil eggs and vinegar. What was used in place of eggs is a mystery to me.
Soon after lunch I noted odd occurrences in the seminar. In the space of 45 minutes, nearly every participant left the conference room one or two at a time. They all scurried with the tell tale pinch and look of shame that could only be on thing. Diarrhea.
I thought how lucky for me that I did not have to scuttle off to the men’s room with a case of the poods. I thought this for nearly 1 and ½ hours after lunch. Then I noted gurgling in my lowers. I felt flushed and sweaty. Then I was no longer the master of my own bowels. They had fallen victim to the mock tuna. It was a sad day in deed.
posted by Mr. Bebout at 4:55:00 PM
6 Comments:
I think the worst thing about "whole Foods" in general is they do try their best to make it taste bad. There are so many ways to add flavor and still ahve it be healthy. And a little meat, or a little salt, or a little fat is not bad for you.
Who needs "colon blow" when you have mock tuna sandwiches every day? I won't even eat actual mayo, so the whole thing sounded disgusting to me.
My favorite part was when the guy said people should eat food people won't normally eat. I imagine him to be much like the guidance counselor from "Freaks And Geeks".
LOL! "Mock Tuna." I almost had the scoots just thinking about it.
He reminded me of a Greatful Dead roadie
Little difference, Dave.
Ah.
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